Remember the movie “Awakenings”? I wrote about it a few weeks ago as I’ve been coming alive to the work of the Holy Spirit. Today is sad because I feel it slipping away. Like I’m headed back into the coma. Back to mediocre. And it’s something that I can see happening. The signs are there.
Sign #1: Busyness. I have absolutely no free time. There’s time with the family, time with friends, time with my work, and time with my studies. As Archers, we’re naturally chaotic. But we’re working on it. We’re recognizing this and trying to make adjustments. But the devil is working. I can feel it. I’m tired. Easily frustrated. Trying to maintain the plates spinning. I’m trying to give 100% to all of it. And failing everywhere.
Sign #2: Fatigue. Because of the frenetic pace we’re at, I’m tired. Constantly. My mind is on my courses I’m taking and being behind. No easy fix other than putting my head down and doing it. Work is in and headed toward a pretty crazy season. All this and with Mick and Grace being home, I want to spend time with them too. As well as friends. As well as some opportunities to disciple some new Christians. And I’m finding my family is getting the short end of it all. I’m so tired I don’t feel like I can do any of them well. Oh, did I mention any spiritual discipline in that rant? Yeah.
Sign #3: Distraction. The schedule affects my body which affects my soul. So many things going on at once mash together and leaves me with no focus. It’s comical now how I am rendered virtually crippled in my ability or lack of ability to focus. I know I’m self-diagnosed A.D.D., but this is beyond.
If I were to look at my life right now from high up, I’d see the major kink is my education. I’m taking two classes and one of them is killer. It’s asking for more time than I’m wanting to give it. Time I’m spending on edcuation is causing fatigue which is causing distraction which is leading to my fire starting to grow cold. Could the devil use my education to rock me to sleep? I think he is. Or at least I believe that my education is stifling my growth toward Christ. With only 2 1/2 weeks go to, I’m seriously considering dropping out. That’s how extreme I’m feeling.
I have so many great ideas in my head that have to do with leading my family toward making some major changes in our DNA. Great ideas and vision for what our family could look like. Vision of what I can be doing to be the greatest husband ever. The best father. It involves reckless abandonment. It really involves a fight against the patterns we have. A war. But all I feel like I have to offer is leftovers. It’s the best I can offer. But it’s not much. And certainly not enough to fight against the waters of our culture.
I know there are seasons. Normally in my sleepy state, this wouldn’t be a big deal. My focus in my life in the past has been on accomplishments, my selfish desires, the world, etc. Taking these courses would consume me because they are accomplishment-oriented and feed my need to be valued. But because now I’m waking up and praying, going to sleep praying, finding my mind and heart fixed on the Holy Spirit, being transformed to love the appetites of Him, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to care or invest in those pursuits. I don’t care about them anymore. I know this degree will allow me to expand my horizons. It will afford me more opportunity to teach and inspire. It will allow me to influence and not only help people become excellent at tools and jobs, but know Him more. We just have to gut it out. I don’t say “I”. It’s a team here at Archer HQ.
Today though, I want to drop everything and run. I feel like I’m on the beach fishing and Jesus is calling and I’m saying, “Man, I totally love you. I’m with you. I want you. But I’m not quite finished with fishing school. Once I’m done, I’ll totally be able to fish even more efficiently. Can you stop by when I’m ready?” I wanna run.
Abba will you hang on? Will you be patient with me? I’m so wanting to do what you want. I’m so wanting to be obedient. Will you help me be obedient? Give me the courage to live recklessly for you.
Now that I’ve taken time for the heart it’s off to try and do some homework. Knowing that I’d rather be thinking about how much He loves me and how I love Him. I’m going to fight the sleepiness friends. Let’s fight to stay awake and alive.