Deep Sadness

I just got a window into an emotion I’ve never thought of that God experiences:  sadness.  I know I picture God frequently as strong, fearless, powerful, flawless, and perfect.  Which He is all of those things.  But I don’t know if I ever picture God as being sad.  I think I equate sadness with weakness.  Do you?  But something hit my heart hard yesterday.  It was new.  It wasn’t sadness on my part.  It was being connected to Him and feeling His sadness.

Yesterday I was talking to my mom.  She’s in a season of life where she’s hardened her heart toward the Lord.  I was talking to her on the phone about some important events coming up in my life and the potential Kingdom building opportunities they would afford.  In the course of the conversation, we came to a point where she said brought up some wounds from her time as a pastor’s wife.  Stuff I understand and lived through with her.  Regrets.  Blaming God.  Feelings that she sacrificed her life, her family, and ultimately her marriage.  And it was all for God.  For what?  Nothing, she’d day.  And where is God?  She feels abandoned.  Wounded.  And nobody’s going to hurt her again.  So she’s created walls to protect her.  Walls around family, friends, and her Abba.

What Do You Want Him To Know?

She told me that once she stopped talking to God, things got better.  We joked when she added, “I guess He still listens to you.”  I chided back and said, “Well, is there anything you’d like me to tell Him from you?”  This was her response:  “Tell him thanks for ruining my life.  Tell Him thanks for ruining my family.  She mentioned several other specifics where she was revealing deep wounds and blaming it on God.  As I stood outside the building I work, I was brought to tears.  I am even now.  I could feel Abba’s heart at that moment.  I could hear His Spirit crying, grieving, saying, “Suzanne, if you only knew how much I love you.  I’m so sorry for your pain.  For your hurt.  I could carry your burden if you’d let me.  It hurts me to hear you talk about me like this.  I wish there were some way you could know and experience the real me.  I love you daughter.  No matter what you say.  I will always love you.  And I’ll wait for you.”

I don’t think I’ve ever felt God’s pain before.  And it struck me that my mom isn’t the only one in the world who has known Him but has turned their backs on Him.  Who have abandoned Him.  Who’s hearts are bitter and cold toward Him.  If that emotion was as strong for me yesterday, magnify that my 10 or 20 million.  Maybe billion.  Multiply that sadness.  That separation from a father and one He loves and is desperate to find.  It would be crushing.  To anyone other than our Abba.

Tears from God’s Eyes

I tried to think about what it will feel like when Grace rejects me.  I know it will come someday.  There will come a day when she will use words that hurt me.  When she will lash out.  When she may turn her back on me and go her own way.  I pray that day never comes.  But I couldn’t help but to wonder how Abba feels when His kids reject Him.  I know He doesn’t take it lightly.  We were created in His image.  I know yesterday afternoon, my Abba cried.  He cried for my mother.

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